yin and yang

Is it wrong of me to have thought for several years that this philosophy was called "Ying & Yang"? And on a show of hands, how many of you instantly think of a pair of Shih Tzus when you hear this phrase?

Just me? Oh, okay.

Um.... half-points for thinking of Siamese Twins. But only if you picture them as 'from Siam' for realsies.

knee caps

When I was in 7th grade I had to go to a urologist for some kidney issues. While there, he also noted that my knee caps were "out of line" and that they "swung the wrong way."

I still think it was very unprofessional of him to make that kind of sweeping moral judgment. Personally, I respect my knee caps' decisions and allow them to make their own choices.

nuts

It horrifies me that now there's a whole generation of kids out there that won't really learn about all the different kinds of wonderful nuts because they are allergic to them and dismiss the whole subject. Can you believe they have to sit at a table by themselves in the cafeteria?? I want these poor souls to feel included in the world of nuts, even though they can't digest them. I thought maybe I could create a kids CD with songs about nuts to remedy this! I've only got a few titles so far - hits like:


"If Pecan, So Can I"


"Acorn Hear You!"


"Chestnut Argue Right Now. Alright?"

... it's a work in progress.

bad mommy

I hope it's character building when I make game show-like "wanhh-wanhhhh" noises at my toddler when she tries something and fails.

ciabatta

Sometimes I wonder if things like 'ciabatta', 'focaccia', and 'chipotle' really existed within their native cultures before restaurant marketing teams got their hands on them. Where were these foods before they were sold at Applebee's or wherever? Just laying there, like glittering jewels in the grass, waiting for someone with an I.Q. above 90 to go, "Hey, I bet I could sell this as gourmet to Americans?"

I kinda hope they are totally made up. Like chalupa. Tell me chalupa ain't real.

leap year

It's my birthday again this year. (Not right now, I'm just saying.) I make this distinction out of consideration for "Leap Year Day" babies. I used to think they were called "Leap Year Babies" but that's not as special, is it.

merger

I want the tv networks C-SPAN and the CW to merge together. That would really jazz things up. I could watch impeachment hearings and after some testimony, a member of Congress would respond, "Oh no you din-ent!" Followed closely by a studio audience "Ooooo!"

deodorant

I really liked the millennium shift to clear deodorant. Not because I was worried about white marks on my black sweaters or anything, but because - at the same time - they went clear with the plastic casing as well. Now I could see how much deodorant I had left and how much I used in one sitting. Fascinating.

Chapstick hasn't gotten on board with this. The amount of chapstick left in my tube is still shrouded in mystery.

durritos

I misread a gas station sign that I was driving past - I first thought it said "DURRITOS"

...My mind and taste buds went wild. Doritos inside burritos! (Wait, I guess that could hurt - but worth it!!) Or, or, like burrito innards dumped on top of a pile of Doritos, a la taco salad. Yum!

I wonder if this will take off? It'd be nice if it did; these gas stations don't make enough money with the price gouging alone.

magnanimous

Sometimes my big heart amazes even me! It's true. For example, here's one of the many selfless acts I perform regularly: if I know that the people around me are watching their weight, I make sure that the calorie-laden foods are gone from the vicinity. Yep, down the hatch. Throw myself on that grenade every time. Take one for the team. I consider it evidence of the nobility of my character, really.

chromosomes

My baby daughter doesn't enjoy fart noises. I don't get it. It's one of the things I'm actually good at - I haven't had to use my crelbow to do it since age 10. Aren't we genetically programmed to enjoy hearing that sound (fake variety, of course), the same as we are all predisposed to be afraid of spiders? In fact, I think those two are located on the same chromosome - which she must be missing. I guess this means my little girl will grow up to be an entomologist. However, I refuse to put the dead bugs she finds in shadow boxes for display. Bad mommy.